A few of my clients are dealing with a relationship break up at the moment. No matter the reason for the breakup, it can be a tumultuous time. Emotions are raw and intense. There is plenty of fear of the future, a reluctance to confront the pain involved in a separation. There are rampant reflections of regret, anger, frustration, and abject misery. There often seems like there is no sun beyond the clouds.

Basically, it sucks.

And yet you can't spend day after day hiding under the covers feeling clamped by the vicious hold of relationship breakup pain. So how do you move on? How do you deal with this incredible feeling of overwhelm?

First of all, there is a lot of re-focusing that needs to happen when a person goes through a breakup. Questions like, "what do I really want? what's next for me? what can I learn from this? How can I avoid the same mistakes in the future?" are all integral to the 'moving on' and 'healing' stage.

However, there is no way to get to those questions in a prodcutive way until the emotion that is strangling your behaviours and clouding your head is released.

How do you release this emotion? Emotion is all about energy. In fact, emotion is energy - it is created when brain cells fire off synapses and send an electronic impulse through the body (thoughts). This either feels good, or it feels bad (this gives us our emotions). If it does not feel good, we tend to avoid it, suppress it, ignore it. This can lead to some volatile reactions when the energy is finally released. Situations such as screaming about the toothpaste and the toast crumbs on the bench are an example of where the energy has finally been released. The hair trigger situation allows the energy to burst forth, often in unhelpful ways.

Here is how to relase some neergy without blowing your top:

Exercise vigorously. Intense exercise can take the edge off any situation. When you are pooped, it is difficult to get your guile red hot.

Write it out. Take a stack of paper, a box of tissues, a cup of tea, and then pour your little heart out on to the page. Every thought, every feeling - no matter how embarrassed or ashamed of them you might be, even if you can barely admit having this thought to yourself, is fair game for writing it out. When you have purged everything and you feel a bit numb. Then put your pen down. You are done. You can read the writing again if you want, or not - whatever feels right to you. After a few days, burn it, put away, rip it up. Whatever feels good to you. Do NOT give it to your partner in the break up. These are thoughts and feelings that are all about YOU, not the other person.

Do something good for yourself. A bike ride, a walk, a quiet cup of coffee at your favourite cafe, a massage, a bath. Nurture yourself.

Forgive yourself. No doubt you may have done things in the relationship you regret, or wonder about. Rest assured you did your best, and the past is done anyway. Forgive yourself and let your self know that you are still a lovely human being at your very core.

There are pletny more ways to release some energy, but those are a good start.

Take good care.

Zoe